Your Average Everyday Sane Psycho

Why is it Called a Game, When it's No Fun?

2010-02-27T22:15:00.004-05:00

Oh, the dating game. I'm not talking about the player's dating game. I'm talking about honest dating. I know, I don't really have a say in the dating game right now. I haven't really "dated around" and now I'm getting married. But I do have a few thoughts in general about the "rules" of dating that have been around for a long time now.

A friend of mine at work came to me the other day as we were closing down. He says, "I need your help with something." Concerned, I nod. He continues, "So I just got this girl's number. How long should I wait before I call her?" Immediately, I come back with the three-day rule. But then I thought about it. Why shouldn't he call her the next evening to set up a date a few days down the road? I know I would like something like that. It would show he was really, honestly interested.

On a completely separate note, I've been getting (unsolicited) advice to keep playing the game, even though I've got one in the bag. I've been told to "wait for him to call" or "don't look so needy/clingy/swoony" or "look like you're all independent and you don't need him to live life." But isn't that what sharing a life with someone is about? You may not need them, but you want them.

Sociologist Georg Simmel says that even though marriage is considered the most intimate relationship, secrecy is a good thing. His thought is that if everything in a marriage is revealed, the marriage will end up getting stale. Granted, surprises are sometimes nice. Maybe you find out that your partner is a fan of the Ballet ten years into your relationship. However, I like knowing what I'm getting into. I like that I know my fiance's faults. I like that I know his strengths. Not only do I feel safe, but I can, in turn, help build him up.

So my problem with the game is this: the game is not honest. The game is a facade of what we want the other person to think. We wait the standard three days to call because we don't want to look desperate. How about we call when we get a chance (and the guts) and just be who we are? Once this facade is started in a dating relationship, how do we change it to an honest and intimate relationship for marriage?

Yes, it is scary to have an open heart. I completely agree and understand. However, an open and honest heart can be the most fulfilling in the end.

Yes, I like Pina Coladas

2010-02-23T15:44:00.004-05:00

So, I was able to have lunch with my mom this weekend. It was actually my idea. I don't see her too often as we live two hours apart. Anyway, I had some interesting conversation with her. The thing you have to understand about us is this: we disagree on a LOT of things. This isn't a bad thing. We just do.

Anyway, part of the conversation we had was about marriage. I did go into our lunch date wanting to talk about her view on marriage and what she saw with my impending marriage. Parents always say they never want their kids to make their mistakes. Granted, I'm still going to do what I feel is best for my life, but I do like to take my mom's opinion into consideration.

My main concern over the past week or so has been "People are dynamic. What if we change?" If my relationship with my fiance continues down the path it is on, we are going to be fine. Yes, we bicker, pick at each other, and get on each others nerves, but most of the time it's jokingly and when it comes down to it, we do love each other. As barf-worthy as it is, I would not want anyone else to drive me crazy.

However, people change. And this change does not happen overnight. It's more of a growth. It doesn't have to be a bad growth either. It can be as simple as, "I don't like my favorite actor anymore," or as complicated as "I think we need to spend some time apart." Now don't get me wrong. I am not forseeing any of this anytime soon. I'm only keeping my eyes open to the reality of life.

After I explain this to my mom, she comes back with this: Yes, people do change. They grow. They may grow at different paces and in different directions. What is important is that they keep the lines of communication open. Take the song that goes, "If you like pina coladas and getting caught in the rain." The couple realized they were looking for each other all along, but could not see it because they didn't let each other into their own world as the change was happening.

And she hit the nail right on the head. As I was talking to my fiance about this a few days prior to my lunch date with my mom, he said the exact same thing (almost). We'll be fine as long as we keep those lines of communication open. (Yes, he was right, but I wanted to hear it from someone who has a had a year or thirty of experience)

I used to think the "marriage is about communication" line was a load. It is so true. The best way to combat anything is to be honest, but to be loving as well. I feel like my new fight song for going into possible conflict is going to be the Pina Colada song.

So if you like Pina Coladas and getting caught in the rain. If you're not into yoga, if you have half a brain. then change away. Grow. Just make sure you keep your loved ones abreast of the dynamic person you are.

I Love My Roommates

2010-02-21T23:02:00.002-05:00

So, I've felt like writing something all day today, but could not figure out what to write about. My day consisted of a work meeting, laundry, homework, and crocheting. Not much to write about there. Before I went to bed tonight, though, I was determined to write something.

I sat in my big blue comfy chair with my blog editor open. My roommate then turned to me and asked if I was headed to bed. I told her I would be as soon as I wrote something. At this, she started spouting off ideas. Her first idea (and I'm sure this was a joke), was to write about her pending marriage to Ryan Gosling. Yes, that's right, the guy who played Noah in The Notebook. Of course this is only a mere dream of hers (but who wouldn't dream of marrying the sensitive puppy dog who restores a house in order to make his love come back to him?).

I told her if I wrote about her love for Ryan, I was going to write my thoughts on how the media portrays men to be perfect, sensitive, loving, broken men with just the perfect amount of rough around the edges. Oh, did this spark a beautiful spat.

The fact that we had a spat is nothing. She and I bicker all the time. There is usually some sort of little quarrel going on between us about everything. What I thought was interesting was how she started defending Ryan and I immediately started painting the picture of a real man of a celebrity to go after. And then! My OTHER roommate jumped in!

Before I knew it, I was participating in the one thing I was trying to fight in the beginning. I was defending my favorite celebrity and proving why he was more man than Ryan. I was sucked in. Of course, this ended with the three of us talking over each other trying to prove which man was better. We eventually came to the conclusion we could all agree on one man (and I think every woman will agree): George Clooney.

Anyway, this little scenario just proves the words versus actions cliche. This especially shows how we may know things, but just do not act on them. Specifically, we all know the lies of the media. We know that the media makes characters and celebrities out to be what the media wants the celebrities to be. We know that models are nipped, tucked, overworked, underfed, and airbrushed, yet we still scrutinize our own bodies. We educate young ones that the media is not real. Every thirteen year old can tell you that Hollywood is not real. The way they look, the way they act, and they way they are portrayed is fake.

Why, then, do we continue to fall into the lies the media feeds us? I have no answer to this question. I have no speculation. It just is. And there is a problem with that.

I Like Your Jesus, but Not Your Christians...

2010-02-19T16:19:00.004-05:00

So I had a paper to write for class today. It was on the subject of my philosophy of human rights. After writing it, I feel a bit ashamed to call myself a Christian. It's a weird feeling to convict yourself. Here are a few snippets which made think.

"As Christians, we are called to help others simply because they are people. Matthew 22:37-39 tells us, from Jesus’ own words, “Love the Lord your God with all and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. The second is like it. Love your neighbor as yourself.” Jesus says to love God with everything in us. Although this part of the passage is the most important because Jesus said it was, the emphasis for the purpose of this discussion should be on the quick sentence in the middle which says, “The second is like it.” Jesus compares loving others to loving God. If the second commandment is like the first, then we should put our whole being into loving others."

Hmmm...

"How do we love others with our whole being? That is hard to define as well. The examples given above are good, but are not concrete. 1 John 3:17-18 gives us a bit of a clue. It says, “If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need but has no pity on him, how can the love of God be in him? Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth.” In our culture, we have everything we could want. We have plenty of food, which often spoils in the refrigerator because we did not feel like eating left-overs. We have multiple jackets. One is for everyday, one is for skiing, and one is for church. We have running shoes, dress shoes (a pair for each outfit, of course), comfortable shoes, garden shoes, deck shoes, sandals, and flip-flops. We have a laptop and a desktop. We spend two hundred dollars on an mp3 player for our own entertainment. However, when we see charities which need just twenty dollars to help feed a child for a month, we just cannot afford it. How is the love of God in us?"

Hmmm...

Oh Hot Darn, This is My Yarn

2010-02-18T20:09:00.004-05:00

Today I had an interesting experience. I picked up a crocheting project I had put off to the side for a while. That was cool in itself because I like having things like that to work on, and thankfully, my work schedule has lightened up enough to do that. ANYway, when I went in to my basket of yarn, I found a few balls, but I also found one HUGE knotted mess.

I ignored the mess for a bit while I worked on my project and watched a movie. After the movie was over, I looked down and the huge knot was still sitting in my basket. Being the person I am, I knew the only way it was going to get unknotted was if I did it right then right there.

So I sat down, grabbed the scissors, and started the process of unknotting this tangled mess. As the mundane task unfolded, I began to notice the individual pieces involved in the knot. There were different colors, different textures, and even different half finished projects still connected to the ball.

In the beginning, I expected to use those scissors to demolish the knot, just to get rid of it. But as I noticed each of the little pieces involved in the knot, I saw value. Each piece of yarn, as it was slipped out of the knot, became useful again. The half-finished projects became finishable as they were freed from the other pieces of yarn. The scissors were put down and the knot was unknotted carefully and purposely.

There are times when I feel completely tangled in a mess. This could be in school work, friendships, whatever. The common theme, though, is that when each piece of the mess is taken out carefully, there is value in each piece. Each piece becomes useful again. The lessons learned from each mistake in the big mess become usable.

Anyway, I'm going to take my now-usable yarn and make a hat tonight :)

I've Been Fine, How Are You?

2010-02-17T23:25:00.004-05:00

Well, it's been a while since I've written. A LONG while. Here's a quick update as to why it's been so long and why I've decided to take my writing back up.

Last time I wrote, September I think, I was facing a long road ahead of me. I had a vision in my head of how I was going to handle it and how others were going to handle it. That road was not at all what I expected. It was a long three months that stretched me, my faith in others, and my faith in God. I learned a lot about trust and not jumping to conclusions. I learned a lot about thankfulness. I learned a lot about finding joy in the midst of hurt.

However, the end of that long road brought me more joy than I could have ever imagined. I was completely taken off guard. After being away for three months, the love of my life asked me to marry him! To be completely cliche, it was worth the wait.

Looking back now, if I had known that at the end of the road, there was going to be a promise of forever, I don't know how tough the road would have seemed. Somehow, I don't think I would have learned as much about trust and faith because I would have known everything was going to be alright in the end. In the beginning there was no plan. There was a very real chance that our time apart would have grown us apart. We knew that. I think words said were along the lines of, "Well, if we make it through this, it will tell us a lot." Scary words in the beginning because I knew the opposite to be true as well. If we didn't make it through, it would tell us a lot. This journey forced me to take things day by day. It forced me to trust in what I knew.

Anyway, with that very short recap, I can say I fell off the face of the blogging world because I was learning myself and, more importantly, a few things about life. Those things I learned will probably come out in future writings. For now, know I'm back!

Great...Grand? Expectations

2009-09-12T23:03:00.002-04:00

So often we go into situations expecting it to go one way. Whether it is a job or a school or a relationship, we have it in our minds how things will go. We envision ourselves saying one thing and another person reacting one way. We believe that things will only ever go that way. We prepare ourselves for the new change. We think we have ourselves all set to go into and through this situation perfectly fine.

And then the situation gets here. We finally encounter what we have been anticipating. And it is nothing like we expected. Sometimes it is ten times easier and better than we expected. Sometimes it is ten times harder than we expected.

At this point, when things are ten times harder than we expected, we get overwhelmed. We see that what we have gotten ourselves into is not "what we bargained for." But really, there was no bargaining at all. Many times, the situation just happened. The new job came because there was an addition to the family. The school across the country was offering a full-ride. She just fell in love.

Is it fair then, to go into any situation with expectations of how things will turn out? If one cannot see the future and one is somewhat thrust into a situation, then how can one try to determine how the new situation will end up?

I suppose it is not fair to go into new situations with any expectations at all, except for one: "I will not only survive this, but will be a better person for it." We can only hope to have faith that the new situation will challenge us to develop stronger character; to learn ourselves more. And if we go into new and scary situations with that thought, how can we be let down?

Life as Constant

2009-07-03T21:30:00.003-04:00

So, this last month and a half has been filled with changes for me. I finished school for the summer, went to Greece, came back from Greece, and started a new job after moving back home for the summer. This time has been an absolute whirlwind. I expected that each one of these changes would bring about some sort of stress, although not necessarily a bad one. Yes, each one has presented its challenges, but they were normal challenges.

Currently, you are reading the blog of a person who fears change more than death. So, this is why I assumed I would have had some sort of anxiety during each change. However, there was not any sort of headaches involved in the process.

Leaving school is not a huge change, although it presented leaving a situation of living with three other people to going home to a very quiet house. This can leave a person feeling like his or her world is too empty. However, I was just fine with this. I was able to adapt to a quieter life with no qualms.

The second and third changes which seemed to be no real concern were the most surprising. In going to Greece for three weeks, I had to learn to fit into another culture. However, and I don't know if this is bad or not, I did not experience significant culture shock. The worst shock I experienced was trying to use the Turkish Toilets (and man, am I thankful for American toilets!). After growing accustomed to the Greek culture, I had to turn around and come back to the States. I was prepared to have some sort of reverse culture shock, but there wasn't really any to be experienced. I fit in at home like I was, well, at home!

Finally, I have a brand new job. I am working full time at an auto shop. Yes, me, the English major who loves books, is working for an auto shop. Granted, my parents own the shop, but it is still completely foreign territory! Yet, somehow, I was never overwhelmed with the feeling of being lost.

The only common string of why these changes did not pose a threat to my state of sanity I can find is this: the people surrounding me during these changes are some of the most amazing people I know. The support I have experienced during the last month and a half has been beyond stable. And I think that is what makes all the difference. When the important people in our lives are stable, then we can take on any change we encounter because we have the continual safety net behind us.

I would love to say I did all of these things on my own, but I haven't. There is no way one person can go through new living experiences, new travels, new cultures, and a new job alone and still see his life as constant. The people surrounding him are who make his life constant. And as cheesy as this is; people in our lives count more for our stability than our experiences.

It's All So Tangled

2009-05-10T20:36:00.003-04:00

So, it's the day before finals week. And here I am writing a post. Am I procrastinating or am I taking a break? Possibly, I could be avoiding the fact that I have work to do. I mean, I have all my work due tomorrow done. So, no big deal, right?

I've come to learn that I 'm one of those, "hide under the covers" people. When my world gets too much to handle, I tend to want to ignore it. Eventually, it has to go away, right?

This may be for any number of reasons which are particular to my person, but I don't think I'm the only one who deals this way. In fact, I know I'm not the only one. I know many other people who would just like to make the world go away at times.

And I wonder to myself, when I want to pull the covers over my head, how did it get this way? How did life get to the point where I'm just shutting down?

Well, let's look at the average college student's life: up for class, then it's grab some food with a friend (try for some quality time), write a paper, turn it in (pray for a decent grade), go to another class, write another paper, go to work, compare notes with a classmate, grab food with some other friends (try to relax and laugh), study for an exam, email the parents so they know you're alive, and finally, hit the sack.

It's not so much that we take on a lot. It's really not a lot. School, work, friends, family. Four things spread out over 7 days, right? We want so badly to give our all to everything we participate in that we burn out. There is no way to avoid burn out with this schedule.

But how to change this? I don't think there is a way to change it. If we slow down from school, then we risk our education. If we risk our education, we risk our future job. If we slow down from work, then we risk not being able to cover bills. If we slow down from friends and family, then we risk losing the relationships and support needed to keep us out from under the covers.

It's all so tangled. It's one huge mess called life. So, what to do? Just plain suck it up. Keep working. There has to be a reward in the end, right? If not, then I'm going to bed right now, and I'm not getting out.

Oh May...

2009-05-08T21:40:00.004-04:00

Oh man. It's May. It's the end of the world as we know it. Or at least that's what it feels like to most college students. It's hard not to grow to resent May and blame every stress headache on that one poor month. So, as my fatigue grows exponentially with finals looming over my head, I need to remind myself not only that I really do love May, but also why.

1) Warm weather. Nothing beats walking to morning classes in a t-shirt and jeans. Seeing the sun and feeling the warmth on the face first thing just sets the stage for a good day.

2)End of school. Even though the end of school brings crazy with it (hence the need for these reminders to keep my head above water), relief soon follows.

3)Falling asleep in the sun. Because of finals, one is often tired. However, the rest provided in the sun, even for just an hour, is very rejuvenating. Something about May sun is better than any other sun.

4)My birthday is right around the corner! I think this is self-explanatory

5)New smells. The grass and rain smell that's been hiding for months is finally back. And as the flowers come in, they let out a sweet fragrance that is bound to bring a smile.

6)Skirts. If you're a girl, you understand. Skirts are just plain cute. And they seem to bring a "freer" feel. After being bundled all winter, it's nice to be able to let the legs breathe.

7)Running. Or biking. Or walking. Or rollerblading. Or anything outside. The fact is, there is the ability to get moving and get outside without the need to defrost toes afterward.

So yes, May is hectic. In terms of finals, it just plain sucks. Moving out of school on top of moving back home on top of studying on top of summer jobs makes the pile pretty high. But, these little reminders will keep me going this next week. They have to. There is no other choice.

Que Sera Sera

2009-05-05T12:25:00.003-04:00

So, I have realized my summer is completely up in the air as of right now. I will be leaving for Greece two weeks from today and when I get back, I don't know if I'll be headed for camp or staying home. And this thought makes me uncomfortable. But why?

I've always thought I was a spontaneous person. If someone calls, I have no problem just getting up and going out. I'm usually up for anything. I have no problem changing plans at the last minute if a friend needs me. In fact, I love doing the late night Taco Bell runs at a moment's notice because a boyfriend has put on an apron and is being a woman.

So why, then, is it so scary to have other plans hanging in the balance? It's not like my summer plans have any direct effect on my long term future. I'll be working and making about the same amount of money in either place. Both are great options as far as I'm concerned. And I don't even have to pick where I will spend my summer. It will be decided for me depending on upcoming events.

I think this fear of uncertainty has a lot to do with our culture. We put so much focus on having a plan for life and having a back up plan if that one doesn't work out. This is why we have to have college. How many times have we heard our parents say, "Yes you can be a rock star, just go to college first so you have a degree to fall back on"? We have to have goals we shoot for. We have to have something definite and concrete to strive for. We have to have life figured out today.

And it's not that I'm criticizing this mode of thought. In fact, I rather like it. I think, though, that there needs to be a point at which we stop fretting over uncertainty and sing "Que Sera Sera." What point that is, I have yet to figure out. I'm thinking that my summer plans may be that point right now.

So, to my daunting plans of how I will spend my summer I say: Que sera sera. I will wait and see what you have in store for me. I am ok with not knowing at this moment. You think you've got me all afret, but you don't. I don't need to have life figured out today.

Love is...

2009-04-29T14:49:00.003-04:00

So, I was thinking more on love. And I think it's time for this topic to come to a close. Yes, it was a short serial, but really, there is not much to say on love. It is a complicated thing, yes, but at the same time love is very simple. Through these several posts, I've come to learn that love is not definable, love just is.

I would like to sum it up this way: Real love is trusting, is open, is sacrificial, and is pure in motivation. Love is all things wonderful and all things frightening. Love is the thing which we all desire, but if we look outside for just a moment, we will see that it is staring us right in the face. Love is not forced. It is an emotion which cannot be contained, should not be contained. Love is beautiful in the end.

Thank you for bearing with me the past couple of weeks. As finals are kicking in, we'll see how much writing I'll be doing (on here at least...I'll be writing non-stop for finals!).

To Lay Down One's Life

2009-04-28T19:40:00.004-04:00

"Greater love has no one than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends." - John 15:13

Some powerful words. Words to live by, if you ask me...but mainly because Jesus spoke them. Anyway, I'd like to look further into this verse for a moment. Yes, this may sound like a mini-sermon, but I am in no way a preacher, nor am I trying to be. I am simply trying to put a perspective on love.

To lay down your life. I read this passage and think, "Could I really, really die for a friend?" I don't know if I could. But on the other hand, Jesus spoke in parables and metaphors. But on the third hand, just before this, Jesus said to love like he loved us. Not to mention, in the area I live, it is highly unlikely I will come to the point where I will have to choose between my life and a friend's life. So how do I love like Jesus?

Jesus was a poor carpenter. As some people like to put it, he was a hippie. He was a wanderer, he did not have much. What he had to give for the people he loved was his life; his literal life.

Now, I think on myself. So many times I have said things like, "My computer can't die! My phone can't die! They're my life!" Hmm...And I'm starting to make a connection. What if I laid down my computer, Facebook, cell phone, movies, books, etc. for a friend? Could that be considered a sacrifice as great as Christ's? Well, not in the sense that it could get a person to heaven, but I think if the intent is there, then the love is evident.

Christ gave what he had to love on us the best way he could. So, it's my conclusion (and church leaders out there, you may excommunicate me if you think I'm wrong) that Christ simply calls us to love by holding other people higher than anything we have. Anything we hold dear is trivial compared to the blessing we receive by loving on others. The complete selflessness is the greatest love we can show for one another.

Love as Deep as a Bumper Sticker

2009-04-27T15:22:00.006-04:00

There is a bumper sticker on Facebook which I have learned the depth of recently:
"Love is giving someone the ability to break your heart, but trusting them not to."

If we put aside the fact that this seems very high school-ish, there is truth in it. At first glance, I think many people would say, "Well duh," but if some thought is put into it, a scary depth can be seen. We just need to actually stop and think about it, instead of shrugging it off as a common sense idea.

And although this saying is pointed toward a romantic relationship, this can be true for any relationship. When we interact and get close to anyone, a friend, a spouse, a sibling, we are giving them an opportunity to hurt us.

We do not always consciously give another person the chance to break our heart. Think about it. Did you give your parents and brothers and sisters the ability to break your heart? No. It just happened. And you trust those people to have your best interest in mind. You trust them to try and keep you whole. You trust them to fill you the best they can.

However, giving of the heart consciously can be much harder. We do not always let people handle Grandma's fine china in our homes, but we have no problem throwing the tupperware around with just anybody. This is much like our hearts. We do not give our hearts because we know how fragile they are. So many questions run through our minds before we can give someone our china hearts. Can this person promise me they won't break it? Can they follow through on that promise? Am I able to put it back together if it breaks? Will that person give my heart back instead of breaking it? The answers to these questions are never clear. This is where the trusting comes in.

And even when we trust, we are still fearful of the breaking. Let's say a friend comes over for dinner. You pull out Grandma's fine china. You trust her to set the table and help clean up after dinner, but you still keep one eye on how she is handling the china. You still want to make sure Grandma will not be disappointed in how you've handled something so important.

Much like this, we are always paying attention to how others are handling our hearts. We are constantly watching out to see if someone could damage our most valuable possession. We are on alert to catch our heart before someone can carelessly drop it on the ground and shatter it. We do not turn our back completely on that person for fear that they will be thoughtless and hurt us.

When we do see that there is a possibility of heartbreak, there are two natural options: fight or flight. And the most common is flight; to get you and your heart out of there before anything harmful can happen. All we want to do is protect ourselves. But let me tell you this one thing, if nothing else: the possibility of the greatness of love is worth any possibility of heartbreak. Heartbreak can be worked through. Love cannot necessarily be gotten back.

In any relationship, there is a leap involved. There is a trust that your heart will not be broken, that you won't be hurt. But it happens. Going out on that limb so as to invoke a loving relationship is worth more than evading heartbreak.

So to all the people in my life, I trust you. You have the ability to break my heart, but I trust you not to do that. Because I love you.

Childish Love

2009-04-20T22:11:00.002-04:00

The type of love which amazes me most is the love of a child. The innocence of this love is remarkable. This love is immediate and pure. As long as you show you care, this child will love for as long as they live.

There is no need to try and win the love of a child because it is already there. Any parent or aunt or uncle or older sibling can attest to this. A child simply comes with the capacity to love. Regardless of gender, clothing style, personal hobbies, common interests, income, or ambition in life, he will love you to the best of his ability. There is no question about it.

Next time you can, observe a child (best to observe a child you know, so a parent doesn't call the police on you). See how he interacts with those around him. You will see his love. You will see the way he does not give love based on any set of rules in his mind.

This is why we get the warm fuzzies when we see babies. The only condition on a child's love is that we love back the best we can, that we take care of them the best we can.

However, the saddest thing that can be seen is the destruction of this love. The only way this pure love can be destroyed is by another human. Yes, a child forgives, but he may carry hurt for a long time. If he is hurt enough, he can become callused to love. Think back to something in your childhood (and yes, I'm getting a bit Freudian right now...) which made you less capable of love. Sad, huh?

Alright, now bear with me here, I'm about to go a bit hippie-ish on you. If there's a way to get back to that childish love, then the world might be a better place. If we can all strip away the hurts, then we may be able to love without rules again.

So I guess my challenge is this: love someone you wouldn't normally love. Love them without rules. Show them the love you would want to receive from a child.

Hold on to Your Hats, Boys....

2009-04-18T20:07:00.002-04:00

My next writing endeavor is going to be a serial. And what is this serial about, you ask? The one topic to which we can all relate: love.

We all experience it. And I'm not just referring to the basic butterflies-in-my-tummy love. Nor am I going to stick to "relationship" love. Love manifests itself in numerous forms. Hopefully, in the coming posts, I will be able to cover those many aspects of love. Til then, consider this song: Love by Sugarland. What does it mean to you? What is love to you?

Is it the face of a child
Is it the thrill of danger
Is it the kindness we see in the eyes of a stranger
Is it more than faith
Is it more than hope
Is it waiting for us at the end of our rope

I say, it's love
I say, it's love

Is it the one you call home
Is it the Holy Land
Is is standing right here holding your hand
Is it just like the movies
Is it rice and white lace
Is it the feeling I get when I wake to your face

I say, it's love
I say, it's love

Is it the first summer storm
Is it the colors of fall
Is it having so little
And yet having it all
Is it one in a million
Is it a chance to belong
Is it standing right here singing this song

I say, it's love
I say, it's love
I say, it's love
I say, it's love

Is it a veil or a cross (I say, it's love)
Is it the poet's gift
Is it the face that has launched over thousands of ships (I say, it's love)
Is it making you laugh (I say, it's love)
Is it letting you cry
Is it where we believe that we go when we die (I say, it's love)
Is it how you were made (I say, it's love)
Is it your mother's ghost
Is it the wish that I'm wishing for you life, (I say, it's love)
For your life, for your life the most
(I say, it's love)

My Dark, Dark Dorm Room

2009-04-14T18:16:00.003-04:00

So, I was posed with the question "Could you live without electricity for one month and why?" My suitemate was with me and we burst out laughing. Here's why:

Last Monday, during the Great Snowstorm of April 2009, we woke up with a loss of power. Not a big deal. Go to call friends to see if they had power in the other dorms, and phone lines were down. This was a bit creepy, but led to the thought that maybe classes were canceled for the day. So, being we had two functioning laptops in the room, my suitemate decided to check e-mail in the hope that we had received the blessing of a snow day. And her computer died. It would not turn back on. The battery was not dead. A virus perhaps? Maybe. So she moves on to the next laptop. It does the same thing. It dies.

We now have the setting for a horror film. We go out into the hall and speak with our R.A. The information we received was this: "All of campus lost power. But, the generators are on, so there are still classes. However, our dorm is not on the same circuitry as the rest of campus, so we have no power. We're doing our best to get power back as soon as possible."

Bummed, we go back to our room to get ready, as best we can in the dark, for the day. Then it hits me. I have to pee. Badly. Problem: there is not a single window in our bathroom. It's pitch black in that room. And I had just seen A Haunting in Connecticut a few days earlier. With a ghost story fresh in my mind, I was NOT about to go into that bathroom. Thankfully, my roommate came to my rescue with her brighter-than-bright headlamp, providing me the ability to relieve myself without any fear of attack by what I could not see.

So, we all go to class. Realizing we need power, though, to do homework, we decide to go to the library. That got boring fast. So we went to the student center. At least there, we could people watch and run into friends. Six hours later, our dorm still had no power. We were refugees in our own school. Hours pass.

Finally, we find an e-mail from our R.A. Our hopes were so high. The smiles were already starting on our faces. However, those hopes and smiles were smashed by the information that the power was not back on and if it was not on by 11 pm, we were to find another place to sleep. Prayers quickly started that the power would return by 10:59.

More hours passed. We ended up doing homework in the student center for six hours. Being after 10 pm, with rumors of power not returning until Wednesday, my suitemate and I decided to find other housing for the night. Lucky for us, we had a friend with a nice comfy house not too far from campus.

One small unforeseen issue: all the necessities for a night away from "home" were in our dorm rooms. Our dark, dark, dorm rooms. We had only one choice. We had to brave the dark, haunted looking building with only two cell phones for light. This was almost as scary as the pitch black bathroom. Noises creaked throughout the building. It was eerily silent. But, we managed to pack for an overnighter in a lit, warm home.

By the time we got to our friend's house off campus, our phones pinged with an incoming text message. The power had been restored at 10:55. Oh well, we were already there. We did not feel like getting back into the car and driving the three minutes back to campus.

So this is why we laughed at the question of living without electricity for a month. Just not possible. I would fail miserably, mainly because I would freak out at night. Dark things scare me. I was born in the right time period because we have lights that flick on with a switch. I can remain calm, knowing I can lean over to my reading lamp in the middle of the night when I hear a noise.

I could live with the inconvenience. I could not live with the irrational fear of not being able to see my surroundings.

Oh, To Be a Thirteen Year Old Again...

2009-04-06T17:28:00.004-04:00

So, as I was being unproductive today, I stumbled upon a website of quotes my friends and I used to look at when we were in middle school. HA! The things we thought were so cool! Here are a few of my personal favorites (p.s., my English major side almost puked at the spelling/grammar)

1)If you love someone put their name in a circle not a heart, a heart can be broken but a circle goes on forever

I see the pun here, but seriously, how odd would it look to see a name with a circle around it? If I saw my name in a circle, I would think I was on a hit list or something.

2)Loving *U* is like breathing...how can i stop

How dreadfully cheezy. I think I just threw up a little in my mouth...

3)I wasn't Kissing him, I was just telling his lips a secret!!

Come on, can't we think of a better excuse than this?!

4)God made mud god made dirt god made guys so girls can flirt

But didn't God make guys first? Why would you buy the toy before having the child?

5)*Star light ....Star bright .... where the heck is Mr. Right?*

Because we all know that Mr. Right will be found at the ripe old age of 13...

6)*You can fall from the sky* *You can fall from a tree* *But the best way to fall* *Is in love with me*

Once again, I see the pun, but having too many people in love with you could be very dangerous...think stalker...

7)I'M ThReW W/ GuYz,ThEy AlL tElL LieS,ThEy BrAkE uR *I wAnTeD 2 KiLL dA sExiEsT PeRsOn ALiVe ThEn I rELiZeD....oHh Ya! SuCiCiDeZ a CriMe!*

But murder isn't a crime? And how would you punish a person who committed suicide?

9)you used to make me smile, you used to make me laugh, but now your attitude makes me want to yak.

I just think the word "yak" is funny. Who says that anymore?

10)A girl and a guy can be just friends, but at one point or another they will fall for each other..Maybe temporarily, maybe at the wrong time, maybe too late, or maybe forever...

This is definitely what every girl told herself to rationalize why she was hanging on to a crush that would NEVER amount to anything...

11)im not a tease im just a reminder of what you cant have

Isn't that a tease...?

Thanks for taking a trip down the ridiculousness that was my middle school life. Yes, I did subscribe to these theories. Laugh at me and have fun. :)

It Hangs On

2009-04-05T20:57:00.004-04:00

Ouch. That hurt. Big time.

The thing I've come to learn about hurt is this: it hangs on. No matter how hard a person tries to move forward, no matter how hard a person tries to forget it, no matter how hard a person tells himself he's fine, the hurt hangs on. It's that simple.

Hurt is not something which can be dismissed. If it is, it only eats away at the spirit of a person, takes away his joy, his smile, his beauty. Dismissal of hurt can be the most self-destructive action a person can take.

It's like ignoring a gash on a foot. Sure, it scabs up over time, but unless the gash has been attended to, it will take on an infection. The infection is ignored. It spreads. Over time, the person becomes sickly to a point which is unimaginable.

The same happens to a person when he ignores his hurt. On the outside, it scabs over. He gets a bit more thick-skinned. But on the inside, an infection is happening. His spirit is twisting and turning in agony, not being able to purge itself of the pain. Soon, the infection spreads to other parts of his being, affecting his outlook, his relationships, his work.

Hurt, as much as it hangs on, cannot be treated like a cold. It cannot just simply "run its course." There is no "spirit-sudafed" to make the tears and anger go away until the hurt stops. The only way to combat hurt is to recognize it and deal with it appropriately. Clean the wound so it doesn't spread an infection. Otherwise, the hurt is going to hang on.

Hurt is looking to tear people apart. It is looking to wreck relationships and functionality. But don't let it. Hurt cannot hang on if it is properly treated.

The sooner hurt is treated, the easier it is to rid oneself of it. My personal favorite steps are as follows (and yes, you may laugh at these if you wish):

1)Yell at the person...behind his or her back. Yes. I said behind that person's back. Yell everything you wish you could say to his or her face. This way, all the tension is relieved without hurting any feelings.

2)Create a playlist to outlet the EXACT feelings you have. I have spent hours perfecting playlists when I've been hurt. Sometimes they contain 2 songs, sometimes they contain 65. The point is, to have someone who accurately understands exactly how you feel. Even though you will probably never meet this person, you can convince yourself they've been there too.

3)Shower. Hour long showers. My personal record is an hour and forty-five minutes. Just try it. You'll be amazed at the amount of thinking you'll get done.

4)Cry. This one may go along with the first one for most of you. For those of you who are like me, it takes a bit of time to work up to this point. It's a crucial point, though, because if I don't cry, I have not let the hurt go. I am still angry at this point.

Now, some of you may have your own recipe for dealing with hurt. That's fine. For those of you who don't, I hope this is a springboard for you. I hope you can deal with hurt that's been there for years. Because it's not going away. It won't go away.

Ouch. That still hurts. Big time.

10 Things I Believe

2009-03-10T23:09:00.004-04:00

Alright, call me an idealist, but I do hold firm to these beliefs. I hold firm to them because they've been proved to me time and time again. I hold firm to them because they give this world hope, which gives me hope. I hold firm to them because they are truth as far as I'm concerned.

1. Let's start with the most obvious: God. I believe there is a God who loves me and who sent his son to die so that I may spend eternity with him. I can't imagine believing any other spiritual path. Christianity may be the only religion which has eternal damnation, but it also is the only religion with such a loving and sacrificing God.

2. Every person has some type of good in him. I don't care if that person is a mass murderer, there has to be some ounce of good in him. Yes, we are born with a sinful nature, but there is no way a person could be all sin if he is created in the image of God. There is no way a person could seek complete evil.

3. Ultimately, there is a good outcome for every situation. I may be in a bad circumstance, but something good is bound to happen because of it. If I am not the one to benefit, someone else will. This thought keeps me going in the worst of times.

4. Whatever doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger. We know this is true in biology (that is, how one builds muscle by tearing it down). This is also true mentally and emotionally. If I wake up the next day after being hurt, I can hold my head high and say, "I survived this time, and I will next time."

5. Love covers all. I don't mean the butterflies-in-my-tummy, puppy-dog love. I mean real, unconditional love. This love humbles people. It strengthens people. It forgives people. It has compassion for others. Love covers all.

6. Real love is indescribable. Whether this love is between a couple or a parent and child or friends, words cannot accurately portray the emotion. It just is. And that love is evident to everyone who comes in contact with the two people.

7. We can agree to disagree. There are some things which are not worth the fight. There are some things which are a matter of opinion. There are some things which are very small in the grand scheme of things. And that's ok.

8. Where there's a will, there's a way. If a person wants something enough, he will get it. He will work as hard as possible to get what he wants out of life. There are no two ways about it.

9. Life is about who you know. It's all social connections. From the friends one has, to the powers he knows, connections get a person places. Does this seem a conflict with number eight? It is not. A person will form those connections to get what he wants.

10. Children will grow into loving people if they are loved first. Even the problem child has a chance if he is shown unconditional love. The child that is limited socially has a chance to be a well adjusted person if one adult comes along side him and guides him lovingly. Once again, love covers all.

Inevitably We Construct Ourselves

2009-02-23T22:11:00.003-05:00

"Inevitably we construct ourselves. Let me explain. I enter this house and immediately I become what I have to become, what I can become: I construct myself. That is, I present myself to you in a form suitable to the relationship I wish to achieve with you. And, of course, you do the same with me."
-Luigi Pirandello The Pleasure of Honesty

I found this quote in my textbook today during one of my Sociology classes. It forced me to stop and think (so much so that I incidentally missed one of my professor's slides). It implored me to question how I construct myself and why. And if I construct myself based on the surrounding circumstances, does that mean I am not true to the real me?

We all play different roles in our life. For example, I am a student, a daughter, a friend, a girlfriend, a sister, a secretary, a writer, and the list goes on. The first reaction to the implication of Pirandello's quote is that I am me in all circumstances. I never change based on who I am around or what I am doing. He is wrong.

But when thinking a bit closer, he is correct. We walk into a situation, feel it out, and respond accordingly. I know the way I behave with my friends is no where near the way I behave at my job or in class. It would not be appropriate. However, does this mean that I am not the truest form of who I am at all times?

I don't think reacting in the correct manner means we are cheating ourselves of being true. Think of it this way: one would never walk into the president's office screeching, "Oh my gosh!!! Did you see that Nicole Richie is pregnant again?!!" This is something which is reserved for those who are on a more casual basis (friends). We would not want the president to think we are superficial and concerned with nothing more than celebrity gossip. Instead, we would walk in, looking professional, and greet him with a smile and a handshake. We would present ourselves in a manner in which we wished him to see us.

Now, if the president walked into my house while I was talking celebrities with my friends, I would not be appalled because the subject would be appropriate to that situation. If my friends walked in on me speaking with the president in a formal manner, I would not be embarrassed because it would be appropriate to that situation.

The way we interact with our friends versus the president is no indication that one is true and one is false. It is the beauty of a multi-faceted personality. We are complex people. I can be laughing about third grade jokes with a roommate one minute and the next, I can walk into work, ready to take on issues of how to spend money and publicize shows.

The danger in having a complex and adaptable nature is that it has the potential of becoming fake. We must keep an eye on ourselves to make sure we do not become greater or lesser in our minds than we are. I cannot walk into work and put on a show of understanding every inch of how to produce a play, simply because I have been labeled a student producer because that is not truthful. I also cannot walk into work and put on a show that I do not want the honor of being a student producer, because that is not the truth either. Both cases do afford me short term benefits (looking like I am knowledgeable and looking like I am humble, respectively), but the show I would put on could not be held onto forever, which would in turn run long term risks with those whom I work.

So yes, we do construct ourselves based on the circumstances at hand. That is not a bad thing. We can remain true to who we are, even though we do not react the same way in the presence of each circumstance. However, we must make it a priority to continually check that we are always true to ourselves. Pirandello hit the nail on the head. Each time we walk into a room, we construct ourselves based on what relationship we wish to cultivate.

Don't Worry, I Played it Cool

2009-02-20T00:10:00.002-05:00

This is a new sensation. I don't feel like I've gotten any older, but suddenly, my little brother is a teenager. Just yesterday, I was sitting at the table, helping him do multiplication and watching Spongebob Squarepants (Ok, so I still do watch that show, but that's not the point).

I know that I've grown as a person over the years, but there was no real moment in which I could pinpoint a change. Since I've had a gradual growth process, I still feel like me. If I had to walk into my high school again, I could, and I would know exactly where I would fit in. I have no recollection of becoming "older."

My little brother, on the other hand, has grown into completely different person. Since I've been away at school, I've seen him only a handful of times. He's still very much in my heart and my thoughts and my prayers. The majority of the time spent with him, though, was from his infancy to mid-elementary school. I changed his diapers, helped potty train him, went to soccer games, helped him with homework, read stories before bed, bandaged scraped knees, wiped tears and noses. I was present at each birthday party til I went away to school. I put him in time outs. I played games and danced with him on rainy days. I never missed a moment with him.

Today, he started a conversation with me online. I was floored to hear from him. And then it hit me...he's 13. He's in middle school. He should be annoyed with family.

Yet- he's still talking to me. Not only is he talking to me and telling me about his A+ on his Algebra midterm and his football team and his COLLEGE plans, but he's asking about me. He's asking if I still go to the same school I was going to. He's asking what I want to do after school. He thinks my prospective occupation is "cool" as he put it (but he put it in gianormous lettering). He wants to "just see what's up."

We were having a semi-grown up conversation. It no longer revolved around the latest episode of cartoons. It no longer involved Hot Wheels. It no longer felt like I was coming down to his level. Now, we were actually talking about how life is. Now, he is interested in his future. Now, he has hopes and dreams of more than getting an extra cookie for dessert.

At this point, I half expected him to say he had found the love of his life and was getting married in two months and wanted to know if I was going to be at the wedding and if I would be the God Mother to his children. Ok, so maybe that's taking it a bit far, but I was taken aback to find out just how much he had grown.

The thing is, he probably does not see the change in him, just as I do not see the the change in me. He probably feels that if he were to go back a few grades, he would know just how to fit in.
He would probably think I was crazy if I were to start telling him how much he's grown and changed (Don't worry, I played it cool while I was talking to him).

So why do others see the change but we don't? It may be because we see ourselves everyday, so we don't get the sudden , "Wow, you're different!" It may be because we don't wish to see the change in ourselves. We like to think we had it together all along, therefore, there was no need for change. It may be because we are too awed by the change we see in others.

Whatever the reason, we need to take a step back, just for a moment, to see how far we've come as individuals. We need to be proud to see where we've been and how we've grown. We need to understand that we're always changing. If this recognition happens, I think we can grow even more and become a better person.

Twenty Minutes

2009-02-16T08:39:00.003-05:00

I have twenty minutes before I need to leave this morning. So what am I doing? Watching VH1 and typing this. It's funny how music takes us back to times and places we loved, hated, and even forgotten. I had this experience this morning.

A music video was on TV. It was a brand new song, maybe been out for a month. But, seeing the artist and hearing his voice brought me back to a very vital time in my life because it caused me to remember where I was when I first heard that band.

At the time, I liked this band because it was new and I was one of the first people to discover them among my friends. Little did I know how that one band would represent a very trying and changing period in life.

With this one song, I was back to being 18, free, scared, loud, independent, all the things a girl should be the summer she graduates. The feeling was unexplainable.

I guess, I don't really know where I'm going with this one. I suppose I just like the fact that music can do this to a person. Everyone has experienced this, I'm sure, but the amazing ability music possesses should be mentioned because no other media has the possibility to remind us who we were and where we have been.

Well, my twenty minutes are up. My trip down memory lane must be over for the time, but hopefully, it happens again soon.

Passions...No, Not the Soap Opera

2009-02-12T19:45:00.003-05:00

Passion. We all have one, whether it be for the starving children in Africa or telling a story on stage. Is it possible to have more than one passion? If so, is it possible to follow both passions? Do passions change as people grow and mature? If a passion fades away, was it truly a passion to begin with? What exactly defines a passion?

I recently had my normal "What am I going to do with the rest of my life?!" freak out, which is what sparked these questions. However, this one went a bit deeper. See, when I was in middle school and early high school, I was convinced I was going to Harvard on a full ride scholarship. I was going to get my law degree and I was going to throw the worst criminals in jail. I was going to be the uber-tough career woman. Today, I find myself to be an English major with the hopes of staying home with my children and writing on the side.

Many feminists would be scoffing at me because I'm basically tearing down what my fore-mothers have worked for. Comments have been made that I've got so much potential that's being wasted, that I don't want to have to live in mediocrity, that I should go out and have a career so my children won't ever want. Put these comments alongside the fact that there is no way writing will EVER bring in a substantial income and graduation just 3 semesters away, and you've got a pretty panicked girl sitting on her futon.

This background gives a little insight into my inquisition of passion. Askoxford.com gives one of the definitions of passion as "an intense enthusiasm for something." Alright, that's great, but I'm enthusiastic about many things. I'm enthusiastic about getting a lunch outside of the dining commons, but I wouldn't say that I'm passionate about it. So, this doesn't help at all. A passion is more along the lines of what something into which one would pour his life. This is usually a job or philanthropic endeavor, or hobby that consumes much time.

So if a passion consumes much time, is it possible to have more than one passion? The answer is yes. Yes, because a person can be passionate about different things in different ways. A person can be passionate about his family AND the Steelers. He is passionate about how he treats his family and how they grow together while he is passionate that the Steelers win the Super Bowl. But, can he make every game while still spending enough time with his family, or does he have to sacrifice one passion over the other? The ultimate answer is yes. He cannot fulfill both passions equally. He must prioritize which one is greater.

Priorities change as life goes on, but do passions? Well, if they go hand in hand, then the answer would be yes. But they don't go hand in hand. The two are not the same. A high school football star may still have a passion for playing the game, but cannot do so because other priorities become greater, such as college, jobs, or a family. This does not mean that there is any less of a passion for football there. The passion has only been put on the back burner for the moment. And the passion must be dealt with in some way. This may happen by playing a game every now and then with his buddies or putting a fantasy football team together. Though it is not the same as being the star again, it will suffice.

But let's say his passion for football does fade away. Let's say he does not watch the game on ESPN or even cares to know who is IN the Super Bowl. This could be for a number of reasons. His love for football may have died due to priorities getting in the way or a new passion coming to light, which he feels is more important. His new passion may be educating inner city children. This philanthropy may just be bigger to our former high school football star than the game. But just because he has let go of his previous passion of football, does not mean that it did not exist as a passion. It only means that he has grown into a different person.

Thankfully, I have a mother who pointed all of this out to me. I did not become a passionless person because I did not want to take on the criminal justice system. My passions changed. My passions became entwined with the future relationships of my family instead of with the future of my business colleagues. Not to say that one passion is better than the other in general, just that one is better for ME. I have grown to see what is most important to me, what passions in life are most important to my soul's survival.

Do not be dismayed if you are not sure what passion(s) you have. You will figure it out. Your passion is your own. No one can tell you what is best for you. What fulfills you should be your passion, be it dance, song, books, science, math, law, or family.

Winter Turning

2009-02-07T21:04:00.005-05:00

Poor Groundhog Phil. He was proved wrong. Just when I was getting grumpy with the weather, his prediction of six more weeks of winter was the cherry to my winter blues sundae. Ah, but Mother Nature reminded Phil he was only a groundhog and couldn't possibly foretell the plans she had made for the weather.

The damage that winter does to a person is not immediately seen and usually is not even noticed until spring (or the taste of it) arrives. Winter brings a slow weight on the shoulders of a person. That weight is accepted ounce by ounce as each day of dreary skies builds upon the previous day. Only when the first glimpse of spring is in view does a person acknowledge the weight because it is lifted with the first feeling of the warm sun on his face.

The wonderful part of this weight being lifted is that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. School will be ending soon, tans will come back, skirts and flip flops can be worn, runny noses are no longer needing to be wiped, car rides include fresh air from open windows, life can be enjoyed to the fullest. One day of spring-like weather can re-energize a person for weeks to come. That little bit of hope is just what is needed at this time of the year.

I was more intrigued by the juxtaposition of the warm weather and the 3 foot piles of snow, than I was happy not to feel like a marshmallow in my puffy jacket. In just a sweatshirt, I was still able to pick up a snowball and chuck it at whomever I pleased. It's really the best of both worlds. This is more pleasing than the first snow of the year because it mixes the hope mentioned above with the innocent, childlike joy found in a snowball fight. The walk I took today included both puddles and ice. One step left and a foot would be soaked. One step right and a slip and fall were taken. This provided for some comical moments that could only happen with the odd mix of winter and spring.

Winter is a rough time. It's beautiful, though, the way it clears up, even for just a day. Weight is lifted. Hope is seen. The mix of spring and winter is fun. I am thankful that the weather has a way of keeping itself from getting stale, because even when everything else feels mundane and repetitive, the weather (at least in Michigan) can be counted on to leave a surprise outside of the window.

Why Read?

2009-02-03T13:22:00.003-05:00

Oh do I love being a literature nerd! Anyone who knows me, knows I love reading. I love curling up with a blanket, a cup of tea, and a good book. You can find me relaxing this way almost everyday. But a conversation last night sparked my brain. Why reading? Why not hockey or drawing or cooking or dancing or any other form of entertaining myself? I don't know if I have ever thought on this topic before. I like to read; it's what I've always done, no questions asked...until now.

When I first think of reading, I think of my favorite book - Great Expectations by Charles Dickens. I have gotten lost numerous times in this one book. Hours will pass me by as I turn page after page to watch Pip grow into a wonderful character. His innocence in the beginning of the novel wins over my heart immediately and I melt as he becomes a responsible young man. I get lost in his life. I get lost in seeing how he handles situations. I get lost in his ability to overcome awful circumstances. Reading provides the opportunity to live others' lives.
Oftentimes our own lives become boring and mundane or crazy and stressful. Reading is an escape from the everyday. This is much like getting lost in a movie, but the experience can last for days or weeks. Books are an alternate reality which invites a person to steal away to another place and get involved in lives of other people.

Another book I love is A Clockwork Orange by Anthony Burgess. For any of you who have read it, you know the story is very thought provoking. I was amazed that by the middle of the book, I had sympathy for the bad guy. Or rather, should I say, the good guy? Lines of good and bad, right and wrong, were blurred in this story. Reading provokes us to think and question. Not to say that we are incapable of questioning on our own, but sometimes we do not think to question a particular subject. We often just accept things for what they are and need a little prodding to think of what life is and what it takes to be "successful" and "happy." Books give us a chance to explore opinions and views we may not have ever considered.

Although my least favorite type of reading is found in textbooks, I find that I would take this over no reading at all because I am gaining knowledge. Yes, there are plenty of television shows and videos out there to educate anyone on any subject, but it cannot take the place of the permanence of text. Editions of texts can be compared to see how information has changed. Text can be marked up and thoughts can be written down. Text is better than other media because it can be read aloud, it can be copied, it can be skimmed, it can be picked apart, it can easily be passed on.

Language is another wonderful aspect of reading. Words have connotations as well as denotations which evoke emotion. Language can be picked apart to find true meaning. I am going to use an example one of my professors used in class the other day. President Obama's inaugural address included these lines:

"and for those who seek to advance their aims by inducing terror and slaughtering innocents, we say to you now that our spirit is stronger and cannot be broken; you cannot outlast us, and we will defeat you."

Forget that Obama said this for a moment. Do not bring politics into the previous lines. Specifically focus on "We will defeat you." This is not the same as "You will be defeated" or "You will not defeat us." Only by being able to see the text and read it over and over can we pick it apart and begin to find its meaning. It is hard to do this when simply listening to the speech.

Now, I know reading is not for everyone. Many people are not ones to just "sit" for entertainment. But, at least for the time being, reading is still justifiable as a pass time for the escape into others' lives, the questioning it causes us, the knowledge it provides, and the language we are able to dissect. Tonight, I will sit down with my blanket, cup of tea, and book, and I will read with the satisfaction that my time is being spent well.

Independence vs. Community

2009-01-19T23:05:00.004-05:00

[Side note: Hope your holidays were joyful. I know mine were wonderful as well as busy, which I'm sure you experienced. With that said, here's to 2009 and getting back on the wagon of writing :) ]

Independence is a tricky word. At first glance, one may think of America or the Fourth of July. One may think of financial independence. These are wonderful things to have. But what about social independence? Is this a good thing? Is community just as important as independence?

Our first thought would most likely be "Thank you!" We love to think that we can do anything on our own. We pride ourselves on accomplishing our own tasks. Americans are hard, independent workers. We make it on our own. We pull ourselves up by our bootstraps, so to be called independent is a compliment.

Those who live at home until they are forty are often looked down upon because they have not learned to be on their own. They have not created a life independent of their parents' lives. For example, in the movie Failure to Launch, Matthew McConoughay's character lives with his parents, even though he is a successful business man. Sarah Jessica Parker's character is hired by his parents to get him to move out and be independent.

But at the same time, does our constant need for independence hurt our social nature? We are social beings with natural tendencies to create and live in community. Adam was lonely, so God created Eve for his companion. Humans have a family unit which functions together. Humans have lived in tribes, cities, group homes, dormitories, and all other types of groupings since the beginning of time.

The group has always been stronger than the individual. Whole tribes are often responsible for raising the children, which has been shown to be very successful in child rearing. In business, projects are brainstormed by teams, not individuals, because many brains are better than one. Ecclesiastes 4:10-12 recognizes the strength in numbers:
If one falls down, his friend can help him up.
But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!
Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm.
But how can one keep warm alone?
Though one may be overpowered,
Two can defend themselves.
A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.

How are these two points, then, independence and community, able to exist together? There is no solid answer. We value our own abilities, but we also, by nature, need others around us to succeed. This is something with which we must wrestle. We must wrestle with the balance of the two in our own lives. Some are energized by community, while others are energized by solitude. However, both needs must be met in every person. We cannot succeed, one without the other, independence without community.

The Art of Relaxation

2008-12-12T01:59:00.003-05:00

It used to be a family joke that I was the "slug." I was known for sleeping in and lazing around. I was not one to do work or over exert myself. My brother joked that I should have gotten a tattoo that said "Slug Life" across my stomach. It was not that I was lazy or lacked motivation, it was that I saw the benefit in taking things slowly. There was no reason to rush. As Grandpa would say, "Why do today what you can put off til tomorrow?" What a smart man!

Today, I find myself in the exact opposite position. Everything must be done NOW in my mind. I have adopted an attitude of work. If there is something to be done, I do it. I go go go for as long and as hard as I can. My theory is this: If I have two capable hands to complete the task, why not just do it? Work, whether for school, my job, cleaning, or just a side project, has become a sort of addiction for me. The feeling of accomplishing something gives me a high that I cannot experience from anything else. The more I accomplish, the more I want to continue to work on new tasks. Rest and relaxation is not a priority.

With this new attitude regarding work and rest, I find myself crashing more. Yes, I do get a tremendous amount done, but at what expense? For example, I threw myself into working from the time I woke up until I went to bed for my exams. Now that I have finished with them, I've sat on the couch for two days because my brain is fried. I am physically exhausted from the amount of effort I put into my schoolwork. (And no, I was not putting work off til 2 am...) My rest comes in a chunk after I've spent myself completely.

Sometimes, I do wish that I could get back the art of relaxation I had as a child. I don't think I know how to do it anymore, though. I've heard and practiced the breathing, the teas, the stretches, the music, you name it. For some reason, I just cannot master it again without completely crashing. I had rest and relaxation down to a science as a child. If I could get the art back, maybe I wouldn't spend two days on the couch after going for two weeks straight.

But is my way of work really so wrong? People say that I'm going to run myself into the ground, that I'm going to work myself too hard, that eventually I'm just going to collapse, that I'm going to make myself sick. None of that has happened thus far, so I think I'm doing alright. I honestly don't think, either, that I would be able to accomplish as much if I worked any other way than I do. When I get on a roll, I just cannot stop. I guess the real question is this: Which is more important - accomplishment or relaxation?

For me personally, the answer is accomplishment. There is always time to sleep later, but if the chance to do something is not taken now, it may pass completely. An opportunity may be missed to complete a task or try something new or challenge oneself. To think of missing an opportunity saddens me. I would never want to think I missed an opportunity because I was taking "me time."

The slug that my family joked about has turned into the worker bee. I see this as neither good nor bad, but just another growth in me. The worker bee is the best option for me. It may not be the best option for all of us, though. My relaxation comes from a couple days of doing nothing. Yours may come from a cup of tea every afternoon. Just like any other art, its style is different for each individual. The art of relaxation is not as concrete as many would like it to be.

Winter from the Outside

2008-11-24T17:17:00.003-05:00

I've always said that I like winter from the inside, meaning that I think winter is beautiful, but I just don't like being outside during the season. Being from suburban Detroit, winter has always brought whipping wind, icy streets, salt covered cars and shoes, drab days, and of course, brown slush all over everything. Oh yea, and the cold. I don't produce much body heat to begin with, so the biting cold tends to keep my hands and feet just above frostbite temperature. For six months, I get to feel like I've stuck my feet in the freezer.

However, this weekend, I came to the conclusion that winter is not pure evil. I don't know if it was due to the fact that I missed camp (as that's where I was), or that it was the first real dose of winter I had this season or that I got to work the zip line or that I was able to get away from the norm of college life. I do know that I was amazed at the beauty which winter held. I had the privilege of working 60 feet in the air at the top of the zip line (one of my favorite spots on camp to begin with). The zip line overlooks a small lake. This past weekend the lake was frozen and small drifts of snow were layered over the ice. I had never seen the lake like that before, but it was almost out of a dream. The snow on the ground was pure white with occasional animal tracks. From my height, I could see where the tracks led and how they looped around trees. Then came the sunset. It was golden on the stark snow as it came through the trees. I could see over the hill and watch as the sky turned from gold to pink to lavender as it got darker. Sure it got chilly and my toes actually hurt they were so cold, but it really didn't matter because of the gorgeous scene surrounding me.

Later that night, we had campfire. I was not sure how I would be able to hold up. I knew it was going to be frigid from lack of sunshine and wet from the heat of the fire. As I was walking, without a flashlight, I looked across a field to a line of pine trees. The color was amazing. Normally, I would expect them to be dark, almost black because there was no light at all. However, the reflection of the snow made them almost teal against the black sky. I have never seen anything like it. There were three distinct colors- white, teal, and black- the snow, the trees, and the sky. The sky itself was a wonder too. The stars were brilliant. They stood out in perfect shining dots. I cannot remember seeing a sky so clear. Many people say that looking at the stars makes them feel little and insignificant. Not me. Looking at this sky made me feel safe and secure. I felt like the night sky filled with glowing stars was a big blanket, made just for covering me.

So maybe winter isn't all that bad from the outside. Where the "outside" is determines how good or bad it is. Let's face it, there's no way winter is going to be pretty in a suburban area. But when you steal away for just a little bit, the glory of winter can be seen. Even a college student who has loathed winter for twenty years can see, when in its natural element, how wonderful, magical, and comforting this season can be.

Doing the Laundry

2008-11-18T22:58:00.003-05:00

One of my fondest memories with my mother is doing laundry together. Well, really she would do the laundry while I watched. She would bring a gigantic basket full of clothes fresh out of the drier upstairs into the living room and plop on the couch in front of the television. Then the basket got overturned and a pile of clothes appeared almost as tall as me. The first thing my mother would do was search for the warm bath towels and wrap me in one of them. I loved this part of doing laundry. Who wouldn't? Chores were soothing and cozy, not boring and tiring. I got to sit in a warm, soft towel while my mother was doing all the work of folding. I never considered laundry to be hard or taxing work.

This may be the reason why laundry is my favorite chore to perform here at school. I watch the time closely, so that the moment the laundry is done, I run downstairs and quickly bring my clothes back upstairs. I frantically search for the bath towels so as to lose as little heat as possible before I wrap them around me. Each time, I get goosebumps at the smell of the freshness and the feeling of the warmth which seeps into my skin and down to my bones. I carefully choose my feature to be viewed while folding. Am I in a girlie mood? Then I'll go for Gilmore Girls. Am I in a sassy mood? It's time for Reba. Am I in a ridiculous mood? This is the best mood to be in because I pull out the big guns. That's right. The Office. Each piece of laundry is then folded and put into its specific pile: T-shirts, pajama pants, pajama shorts, tanks, socks, bath towels, and hand towels. Jeans and sweatshirts get hung, so they go straight to the closet. And yes, I still have a towel wrapped around me this whole time. The towel is the last thing to get folded before I start putting clothes away.

I probably wouldn't enjoy it so much if I hadn't had the experience I did as a child. I would not associate laundry with comfort if my mother hadn't wrapped me so cozily in the warmth of a simple bath towel. I am thankful, however, for this association because without it, I would have no incentive to do laundry. I would see it as any other household chore and put it off until I absolutely had to do it.

Well, my future husband can rest assured in the fact that he will always have clean clothes. He will never have to sit there and say, "I'm out of socks!" (He may have to say, "The dishes need to be done." But he will never complain about laundry.) And my future children can rest assured that they also will have the wonderful experience of doing laundry with Mom. Or rather, watching Mom do laundry.

Love for the Library

2008-11-15T15:38:00.002-05:00

I’m in the library today, doing some homework. I have to watch a video and critique myself on a speech I gave. However, there is not a study room available in which to watch it, so I’m stuck waiting until someone decides to give up the precious space (I am always reluctant to give study rooms up as well). But if I have to be stuck anywhere, I would say the library would be one of my first choices.

Reason 1: It is quiet. Being a college student, one would think I love the loud music and chaos going on around me. Truthfully, I can only handle so much. The only sounds heard here are tap-tap-tap of students furiously typing away at 30 page papers and whispers of other students trying to figure out the meaning behind a Tennyson poem. The lack of noise gives a person the ability to just sit and think (scary thought, huh? Alone with oneself…but that’s another topic for another day). Silence is almost never heard today. It can be a refreshing change.

Reason 2: No one bothers another person. Sometimes, one just wants to be alone. In the library, no one comes up to you , laughing about their hilarious story which has no bearing on your life. Everyone assumes everyone else is working on the same 30 page paper and does not want to be distracted. It’s such a wonderful assumption! (It’s the only time assuming won’t make a you-know-what out of you and me.) Once again, this gives a person the ability to just sit and think. Such a wonderful thing.

Reason 3: All those books! Alright, I know, I’m a nerd. I love the fact that surrounding me, right at this very moment, are thousands of people’s ideas and life work. There is vast knowledge about any topic with which I could come up. People have dedicated their life to knowing topics inside and out, upside down, front and backwards, diagonally! I almost want to go and pick up one random book and start reading it because the work put into it was so great. Not to mention, the fiction section which holds stories about people just like me. I can relate to characters which exist only on the pages in that one book, and no where else. They come to life because I read life into them. The written word is absolutely mind blowing sometimes.

Truthfully, I think I just proved how much of a dork I am. However, take a second to think about it. Quiet, no one bothering you, and new stuff to learn. Not a bad option if you ask me. I’m sure everyone could use a little time to “get away.” The library is a perfect place to get lost in another world, even if only for a moment.

In Old New York

2008-11-12T21:40:00.003-05:00

Well, I've figured out my plans for Spring Break already. I'm going to New York City on a missions trip. What kind of missions can be done in NYC you ask? Aren't missions carried out in Africa with the Natives and tribes? We're going to be working in shelters during the day and out on the streets ministering to those who need it most at night. We're going to be talking to the homeless, the drunks, the poor, the ones who have been forgotten.

This is not the New York we would normally think about. The word "New York" brings upon images of lights and stages and sophisticates and Macy's and Tiffany's. It's an image of Broadway, the greatest place to be on stage. New York is the place to create. It's the place to fall in love. How can one not fall in love in such an artsy, glitzy place? And everyone has a chance in New York, right? Frank Sinatra sang it best: "I want to wake up in the city that never sleeps...If I can make it there, I'll make it anywhere...It's up to you New York, New York."

The truth is, success in the city really is up to New York. It's not easy to make it there. In fact, much of the city lives below the poverty line. But no one ever thinks about the "other side" of the city. I don't know the real New York. I've seen the image of it in Rent, but that's one interpretation. And even that is romanticized. It makes one want to become a poor writer/performer/singer because of the passion the characters have. It makes it alright for a person to be a crack addict and a stripper because she ends up with the person who loves her most. Don't get me wrong, I love this movie, but it is just one of the many examples of how New York is made out to be something other than what it is in reality.

So this is why I'm going. NYC is not portrayed for what it is truly. The people there are overlooked. The people there need love and attention. We need to step out of our comfort zones and find out what is going on in our world, our own country. I can make this statement because I am forcing myself out of my comfort zone. I am going to my dream city and taking off my rose colored glasses. Those of you who know me, know New York/Broadway is my ultimate impossible goal. I am ripping that dream to shreds for the people who need to be noticed.

Many people are big talkers. We have opinion after opinion about how people should be treated and loved fairly and equally. Why, then, is the income gap in the city so large? In 2005, the richest neighborhoods averaged $188,697 per year, while the poorest averaged $9,320. This does not seem to make sense.

Look around and see past the glitz and glamor showed to us. The world is not a pretty place. People are not in a good state. So we tell people to get out there and do something. We need to start doing what we're saying. If we don't, then who will?

Writing? For Me? Maybe...

2008-11-11T13:56:00.000-05:00

So here it goes. I'm starting a frightening journey. Taking chances. Been doing that a lot lately. And it's all turned out for the best so far, so I figure I might as well take one more.

I've never been too confident in my writing abilities and yet, it's what I want to do with my life. I love the idea of being able to use vivid words as a way to express ideas, emotions, scenes, art, bad hair days, love, hate, the bad date last night, the wonderful sunrise this morning. The right words can change a plain old paper cut into the most horrific experience in one's life. The right words can change a simple daisy into a gift more meaningful than anything money could buy. What other art form can do that?

Granted, great writing does not just happen. Hence why I've never been confident in my own. I know it takes time and revision and effort. I know that it takes practice like any other art form or sport. I know that a draft will never be great the first time. On the other hand, I know that if writing is truly what excites me, then I am willing to work at it...continuously. I know that when I set my mind to do something, I make sure it happens.

So I am asking you, as a reader, to do something for me. Leave feedback. Tell me when something is good. Tell me when something is terrible and should be scrapped. Tell me if I am not taking enough chances with my writing. Let me know when I am not thinking outside the box. Let me know if I'm thinking too far outside the box. Just let me know.